Eating my feelings.

Food is emotional. Sometimes I don’t want it to be, because a voice in my head (she’s attached to this loud, skinny bitch that I just hate) pipes up every time I get sad and reach for a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. “Don’t eat your feelings! They’re going to have to wash you with a rag on a stick one day!”  I mean, always tell that little bitch to shut up and enjoy the ice cream, but still… it’s a thing.

Another voice in my head (the one attached to a normal sized girl with fantastic hair and clothes, I love her) reminds me that I understand moderation on a basic level, and as I am wont to check in with myself on all sorts of levels all the time, it’s not likely that I will end up as a person who needs to be removed from her house by a crane. 

I'm getting ready to leave my apartment in about 17 days. I've lived here for three years with Q, and I haven't felt so at home since I left my parent's house for college.  I've also never moved away from an apartment/house/dorm without being 100% sick of living there. This is the first time I'm leaving a place, a place I love and feel part of, willingly. I'm not running away from anything, for once. I'm just... leaving. 

True, I'm leaving a 2 bedroom apartment for a 3 bedroom house with a back deck, and my monthly rent will be cut by about 70%. It's a very attractive, lovely graduation - a home, a chance to improve my credit and build my savings, an opportunity to live without feeling temporary and like I shouldn't make too much of an imprint. The next few years of my life will be about nothing BUT leaving as big an imprint as possible.  But...it's a seriously emotional time.  

For this particular cocktail of emotions, I needed vegetables, but also.. cheese. So much cheese. A big cheese hug. I found this fantastic recipe after hearing my dad go on and on about my mom’s famous cauliflower gratin (which no doubt involves synthetic cheeze, half and half, and Ritz crackers) and had a go. Tons of veg. Tons of cheesy cream sauce. Tons of “nommy nom” noises while I ate this and watched “Girls” on HBO. (Have you seen this? We clearly need to talk about it.) 

Get yourself a nice warm cheese hug and let those tumultuous feelings melt away. It’s a legit way to deal. 

Broccoli and Cauliflower Gratin

(Adapted from The Kitchn)

Serves 8

2 pounds broccoli
2 pounds cauliflower (about 1 large head)
4 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 small sweet onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
2 cups whole milk, scalded
1 cup grated Gruyère cheese
1 /2 teaspoon mustard powder
1/2 cup breadcrumbs or panko (I used breadcrumbs)
1/4 cup grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese
1 tablespoon olive oil
Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste

Preheat oven to 350°

Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Cut off the woody bases of the vegetables and tear or chop into bite-sized florets. Add the vegetables to the water and cook until the broccoli is bright green, about 1- 2 minutes. Drain and place in an ice water bath to stop the cooking. Set aside in a large mixing bowl.

In a large skillet, melt 1 tablespoon of butter over medium heat. Add the onions and sauté until soft and translucent. Add the garlic and cook for an additional 30 seconds. Remove the onion mixture and set aside with the vegetables.

Wipe out the skillet and melt the remaining 3 tablespoons of butter over medium heat. Whisk in the flour and cook until the mixture is smooth, about one minute. Pour in the milk (which really SHOULD be scalding – I added it cold and things got awkward) and continue to cook, whisking frequently until the sauce is thickened. Turn off the heat; stir in the Gruyere and mustard powder until the cheese is melted and the sauce is creamy. S+P to taste.

In a large baking dish (I used my trusty 9x13 Pyrex) put together the veggies and cheese sauce and mix to combine.  Season with S+P to taste again if it needs it! Mix together the breadcrumbs, Parmesan, and olive oil. Sprinkle over the vegetables and bake until hot and bubbly, about 40 minutes.

Eat while packing boxes to prevent crying, singing Bette Midler songs, and hugging the cat for an inappropriately long time.